I’ve been overcoming a unique flavor of resentment recently. The resentment towards someone abandoning themselves, their own dreams, and life. So rather than asking or demanding they do certain things for me, I was asking them what they can do for their own life. They expect the world to change or cater to them. After a blowout argument I have released any expectations that this person will change, and we both are at a distance from each other. It’s sad but it’s keeping us both more sane.
Beautiful thoughts, and reminds me of Anthony de Mello's book Awareness. The problem is not with them, it is with you. Obviously you can take this too far and should never stay in harmful relationships, but your point about different boundaries for different people address this side.
so thoughtful, already this line- 'Given that it ebbs and flows, it must not be an inherent quality of my character.' made me hold my breath... Inspiring and beautifully written, it made me think deeply about my own relationships
Wow. What a clear and lucid rendering of resentment, with actionable steps on how to overcome it too! I really appreciate your writing. It's given me clarity on spiritual challenges in my life and made me feel seen (sense of kinship) for the way I think and write. Woo!
It pains me that so many people have spent lifetimes trying to change someone they love deeply, only to find out too late that they could have accepted them for who they were all along. I really resonated with this, and your observations are articulated so clearly and beautifully!
You are close, but, I think still incorrect. The way you frame it makes it seem like feeling resentment at all is some sort of personal fault to be overcome through a sort of stoic psychological shift. Yet, there are very many good reasons to feel resentful, and our resentment can be a useful signpost to problems that need to be resolved without a mere mindset change.
Resentment is simply a mismatch between a very strongly held view of how the world is *thought to be* or *ought to be* versus how it *actually* is. This creates a rupture as your internal model of reality collapses. For example, if I have a view that if you work hard you will succeed, proceed to work hard, and then don't succeed, this causes resentment. This can manifest in many different aspects of life, and does not require a second person at all (which your post seems to imply) but only an "external thing". For example, I could very well feel resentful about the income tax, Vatican II, or the recent presidential election. (Luckily for me, I do not).
I do, however, feel resentful when I am mistreated. I have a view of what proper treatment is, cemented firmly into my mind. "You just shouldn't do that, end of story." When this expectation is violated I feel resentful. This could be a problem with my expectations, yes, but let's just assume I'm correct and have good judgment. In this case, the other person is at fault. Maybe they show a total lack of reciprocity or gratitude, or something like that. It does me no good to simply accept it with a grin when a real earnest attempt at addressing the behavior may well solve the problem and erase the resentment.
This is honest, insightful and beautifully written. As someone who has dealt with resentment and is learning to accept myself and others, this gave me a sense of clarity I didn't know I needed
That’s great, thanks. I recently realised that sometimes I send things to friends (articles, quotes, podcasts) out of a need to change them. I thought of it more as a control issue, as a way to influence them so they could be more like me, and so I could feel safer, or less alone. But I haven't addressed the resentment behind this, although it was clearly there. Now I find this behaviour self-abandoning and manipulative.
“Those who seem constitutionally incapable of harboring resentment for others, possess a grounded confidence in their own ability to get what they want and become who they want to be.”
This is crucial. In my experience, this is connected to envy as well. When I see others living with some degree of faith or freedom, that seems outrageous in comparison to my own lack of those things, which because of trauma and conditioning I deny myself. There is resentment and jealousy and then, inevitably, shame for those feelings, which makes it all that much less workable.
Maybe my prior comment is not such a popular viewpoint, but it felt somewhat welcome based on the content. Its honesty. I wanted to add, as someone who compulsively overgives/caretakes in a compulsive/matryrdom way, even when I’m not asked, especially when I’m already feeling drained or relationally insecure, resentment can come from my own lack of boundaries (like you mentioned) in this context. Thanks again for your work. Be well.
Super interesting post. I love how thoughtful you've been to the concept, because resentment is one of those feelings that accumulates grossly overtime. It is the escalation of a feeling, to me. Yet I think people fail to recognise that, and once they do recognise resentment within themselves, still solely blame the person it involves, with no responsibility taken for how the escalation. In believing that love is understanding, I think resentment is a refusal to accept something about yourself or another as it is. A life unacknowledged turns resentful, eventually.
Definitely surprising how it can grow over time, and since resentment always has a target it's easy to fixate on the other person instead of what's going on in our end. Love the way you put "A life unacknowledged turns resentful" – thanks for reading!
A lot of resentment exists because people are incapable of imagining themselves without the object of their resentment. The definition of love offered in this article is totally inadequate, though. Love isn't affixed to a static conception of somebody, it encompasses their multitudes and wants for the best.
That's a good point. I agree with you and it was a bit unclear the way I put it. I think of it as an acceptance of someone's current state, feeling like they don't *have* to change (and certainly not because of me) but they are free to and wanting to support them in that
Yeah, I can appreciate the spirit of the thing you were driving at. I was only quibbling with the framing because lots of people are (unfortunately) inclined to directly import wisdom verbatim.
(I still appreciate the article, thank you for your work!)
This essay makes me revisit a long-journal entry from this morning with a different angle. Thank you, really!
What are your views on the fact that even when a mother can't fulfil the emotional needs and her adult-kid finds other ways to meet those needs, THAT emotional fulfilment which is needed from mother (and thus, the connection with mother) can't be found elsewhere? What do you think is the way to deal with this fact other than grieving?
Hey Ashi, thank you for reading and I'm glad it got you to revisit your journals. Facing that lack of motherly love is a tough one, unfortunately I haven't found a way to deal with that except for grieving and coming to accept I missed out on it. However one thing that came close was spending time with older women who embodied the traits I wanted in my own mother, like a Feldenkrais teacher I took a few classes with or a designer friend I look up to. I never mistook them for being my mother or hoped they'd fill that missing gap, but I found it healing and nourishing. I've also been reading a bunch of books by female authors this year.
Thank you, Carmen. This helps. The answers and contemplations are leading to only one thing — Hope is dangerous here because it fuels unrealistic expectations, and creates a quicksand out of the transient moments of connection (be it from the mother herself or other people) which keeps one stuck in the cycle of hope --> expectations --> disappointment --> resentment
I needed to read that today. Thank you for this!
It always feels like the wind is knocked out of me when someone can so eloquently articulate what has been sitting on my chest since foreverr.
I’ve been overcoming a unique flavor of resentment recently. The resentment towards someone abandoning themselves, their own dreams, and life. So rather than asking or demanding they do certain things for me, I was asking them what they can do for their own life. They expect the world to change or cater to them. After a blowout argument I have released any expectations that this person will change, and we both are at a distance from each other. It’s sad but it’s keeping us both more sane.
Beautiful thoughts, and reminds me of Anthony de Mello's book Awareness. The problem is not with them, it is with you. Obviously you can take this too far and should never stay in harmful relationships, but your point about different boundaries for different people address this side.
so thoughtful, already this line- 'Given that it ebbs and flows, it must not be an inherent quality of my character.' made me hold my breath... Inspiring and beautifully written, it made me think deeply about my own relationships
Wow. What a clear and lucid rendering of resentment, with actionable steps on how to overcome it too! I really appreciate your writing. It's given me clarity on spiritual challenges in my life and made me feel seen (sense of kinship) for the way I think and write. Woo!
Thanks Ethan. Just read your post about artistic devotion, enjoyed it and found it relevant to my latest post about time blindness. Best wishes!
It pains me that so many people have spent lifetimes trying to change someone they love deeply, only to find out too late that they could have accepted them for who they were all along. I really resonated with this, and your observations are articulated so clearly and beautifully!
You are close, but, I think still incorrect. The way you frame it makes it seem like feeling resentment at all is some sort of personal fault to be overcome through a sort of stoic psychological shift. Yet, there are very many good reasons to feel resentful, and our resentment can be a useful signpost to problems that need to be resolved without a mere mindset change.
Resentment is simply a mismatch between a very strongly held view of how the world is *thought to be* or *ought to be* versus how it *actually* is. This creates a rupture as your internal model of reality collapses. For example, if I have a view that if you work hard you will succeed, proceed to work hard, and then don't succeed, this causes resentment. This can manifest in many different aspects of life, and does not require a second person at all (which your post seems to imply) but only an "external thing". For example, I could very well feel resentful about the income tax, Vatican II, or the recent presidential election. (Luckily for me, I do not).
I do, however, feel resentful when I am mistreated. I have a view of what proper treatment is, cemented firmly into my mind. "You just shouldn't do that, end of story." When this expectation is violated I feel resentful. This could be a problem with my expectations, yes, but let's just assume I'm correct and have good judgment. In this case, the other person is at fault. Maybe they show a total lack of reciprocity or gratitude, or something like that. It does me no good to simply accept it with a grin when a real earnest attempt at addressing the behavior may well solve the problem and erase the resentment.
This is honest, insightful and beautifully written. As someone who has dealt with resentment and is learning to accept myself and others, this gave me a sense of clarity I didn't know I needed
That’s great, thanks. I recently realised that sometimes I send things to friends (articles, quotes, podcasts) out of a need to change them. I thought of it more as a control issue, as a way to influence them so they could be more like me, and so I could feel safer, or less alone. But I haven't addressed the resentment behind this, although it was clearly there. Now I find this behaviour self-abandoning and manipulative.
Brilliant essay.
“Those who seem constitutionally incapable of harboring resentment for others, possess a grounded confidence in their own ability to get what they want and become who they want to be.”
This is crucial. In my experience, this is connected to envy as well. When I see others living with some degree of faith or freedom, that seems outrageous in comparison to my own lack of those things, which because of trauma and conditioning I deny myself. There is resentment and jealousy and then, inevitably, shame for those feelings, which makes it all that much less workable.
Maybe my prior comment is not such a popular viewpoint, but it felt somewhat welcome based on the content. Its honesty. I wanted to add, as someone who compulsively overgives/caretakes in a compulsive/matryrdom way, even when I’m not asked, especially when I’m already feeling drained or relationally insecure, resentment can come from my own lack of boundaries (like you mentioned) in this context. Thanks again for your work. Be well.
Super interesting post. I love how thoughtful you've been to the concept, because resentment is one of those feelings that accumulates grossly overtime. It is the escalation of a feeling, to me. Yet I think people fail to recognise that, and once they do recognise resentment within themselves, still solely blame the person it involves, with no responsibility taken for how the escalation. In believing that love is understanding, I think resentment is a refusal to accept something about yourself or another as it is. A life unacknowledged turns resentful, eventually.
Definitely surprising how it can grow over time, and since resentment always has a target it's easy to fixate on the other person instead of what's going on in our end. Love the way you put "A life unacknowledged turns resentful" – thanks for reading!
A lot of resentment exists because people are incapable of imagining themselves without the object of their resentment. The definition of love offered in this article is totally inadequate, though. Love isn't affixed to a static conception of somebody, it encompasses their multitudes and wants for the best.
That's a good point. I agree with you and it was a bit unclear the way I put it. I think of it as an acceptance of someone's current state, feeling like they don't *have* to change (and certainly not because of me) but they are free to and wanting to support them in that
Yeah, I can appreciate the spirit of the thing you were driving at. I was only quibbling with the framing because lots of people are (unfortunately) inclined to directly import wisdom verbatim.
(I still appreciate the article, thank you for your work!)
Makes sense, appreciate the support and feedback :)
thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world!!! ❤️
This essay makes me revisit a long-journal entry from this morning with a different angle. Thank you, really!
What are your views on the fact that even when a mother can't fulfil the emotional needs and her adult-kid finds other ways to meet those needs, THAT emotional fulfilment which is needed from mother (and thus, the connection with mother) can't be found elsewhere? What do you think is the way to deal with this fact other than grieving?
Hey Ashi, thank you for reading and I'm glad it got you to revisit your journals. Facing that lack of motherly love is a tough one, unfortunately I haven't found a way to deal with that except for grieving and coming to accept I missed out on it. However one thing that came close was spending time with older women who embodied the traits I wanted in my own mother, like a Feldenkrais teacher I took a few classes with or a designer friend I look up to. I never mistook them for being my mother or hoped they'd fill that missing gap, but I found it healing and nourishing. I've also been reading a bunch of books by female authors this year.
Thank you, Carmen. This helps. The answers and contemplations are leading to only one thing — Hope is dangerous here because it fuels unrealistic expectations, and creates a quicksand out of the transient moments of connection (be it from the mother herself or other people) which keeps one stuck in the cycle of hope --> expectations --> disappointment --> resentment