This is strikingly similar to how classical monotheists in the broadly Platonic tradition (Plotinus, Origen, Maimonides, etc.) describe God. God is considered as perfectly self-sufficient and blessed. And yet, out of goodness, God creates the universe (either eternally and involuntarily, per the Platonists, or temporally and voluntarily, per the biblical theologians).
God needs nothing from creation. And yet somehow this doesn't lead to a conception of God as aloof. Not only is God approachable; those who approach God through theurgy, sacrament, or covenant find themselves divinized.
I don't have any really profound conclusion to draw from this. But I think it's interesting that one popular strand of ancient philosophy conceived of the ultimate principle of reality as non-needy relationship, as enjoyment that flows from intrinsic abundance rather than remedied lack.
Five stories that crossed my mind while reading the article and your comment, Charles:
In C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letter", the demon counselling his nephew says that children are the hardest to tempt because they're the most present.
In relation to that, in "Finite and Eternal Being", Edith Stein writes that the present moment is the only one that truly exists and therefore, is the realest. It's the the only moment that comes closest to touching God (the truest and realest Being) and eternity, and coming back full circle to Uncle Screwtape, that's why children are considered to be closest to God and the hardest to tempt.
My friend's mother met Mother Teresa decades ago, and what struck her the most was the nun's ability to turn away from a busy crowd, grab both her hands, joyfully look her in the eyes and genuinely ask, "how are you?" without any apparent concern or worry about the thousand other things she had going on.
In "Brideshead Revisited", Evenly Waugh very astutely points out that the central mother figure in the story is "holy" but not a "saint", because people enjoy being around saints.
And finally, many squirm at the idea of joining religious organizations because they associate the concept of "God" with demands, but it's the intermediaries who are at fault for that. Jesus admonished the Pharisees for their hypocritical and unrealistic demands, while telling His own followers to come to Him after labouring and toiling because He wanted to give them rest.
This is such an interesting and enlightening post! I adore your use of archetypes here, I would have never thought to intertwine archetypes with this topic. My best friend and I recently had a conversation about why we're both charismatic people while having extremely different personalities. What I've boiled it down to is that inner security you mentioned, it garners respect, congruence, and transparency that people seem to really enjoy. I've noticed the times where I lose my charisma is regarding dating and romance, because I'm extremely insecure about myself in that area of my life. But in the art world and academia, I have confidence that does not exude the heaviness of desperation. It's also genuine curiousness that fuels charismatic people's attentive nature. When I'm in a regulated emotional state, I have no worries, expectations, or need for control. This freedom allows me to be curious. When I'm disregulated and anxious, I lose my capacity for curiousness because I'm searching for something to remedy my discomfort. That is when the "neediness" shines through and corrupts any remnants of my charisma. Thank you so much for this analysis, I now aspire to demand less of people and to stay curious!
I'm glad to hear it resonates. It's surprising how our charisma levels can totally vary in different aspects of our lives like you said. There's no one "charismatic personality" so as long as you're relaxed and genuine you and your friend can both be very charismatic!
Spot on: What I've boiled it down to is that inner security you mentioned, it garners respect, congruence, and transparency that people seem to really enjoy
>>>>"I suspect the key to charisma is to like people."<<<<
If you look back on interactions you've had with charismatic people, feeling "liked" by them is probably the most common attribute of those interactions. For how much we all want to be liked by others-- there is surprisingly scarce advice out there which tells you to "like" others freely and frequently.
If you saw something which reminded you of that person-- tell them! If you've been thinking about something that they said to you-- tell them! If you followed a recommendation of theirs-- tell them! If you read every single post on their blog-- tell them! If you think they have the best taste in clothes-- tell them!
It's like we all adopted this weird defensive posture sometime as children where we hide how much we like and enjoy other people. It's reminds me of that oddly primal fear we have of having a best friend who does not consider you to be their best friend.
Man this cuts deep. I used to be so charismatic when I was younger because I was innocent, I loved people and everyone fascinated me. Even boring fascinated me by how boring they were!
But I’ve been cut down by grief, I think I’ve been scared to really listen to anybody these days, god forbid I meet someone I actually like and lose them. I’ve been feeling needy and alone even when I’m with company. This is a great blueprint for finding my groove again.
Yeah. I think you boiled it down perfectly, to two points: a genuine desire to interact with people, and a stable core. The later is way more important imo (because everyone, to an extent, wants the former, human as social animals bla blah blah). There is also an element of novelty I think, that underlies the personality of the charismatic person, that gives the extra glow to their auras compared to the masses that blend seamlessly into the background. As if it stands in sharper contrast amidst a mostly blurry background. And actually, I think also, point 3, the abundance mindset, energy flows outwards rather than into these charisma batteries ...
Altho personally, I think it is a little more subtle. I think the charismatic does pull in your energy, aka. your attention, but they reward you for it, above and beyond what you put in.
And the opposite type is what me and my friends call the blackhole: someone that fulfills criteria 1 and 2 but is an bottomless void when it comes to demanding energy from others.
And to add a little more nuance, I think the same person often straddles the line between the two. In physics terms, energy balance needs to be maintained, and the more you capacity you have, the more you demand. So the charismatic and the blackhole are the two opposite ends of this strategy wrt to the social demands they extract along with your attention
I think about it like jigsaw pieces. So many people spend their entire life looking for their "soul mate" - that perfect jigsaw piece that "fits them" and somehow makes them whole or completes their picture.
Not enough people do the work on themselves to make more spaces in their edges to become more compatible with a wider range of pieces (people).
Note that I don't mean this in a self-negating way, trying to "please everyone" and losing yourself in the process, but in a positive, self-affirming way by knowing who you are, where your needs arise from, and which are healthy and which are not, which are essential and which are "nice to have". Some of the most charismatic people I've met radiate a sense of calm self-possession. They know who they are and their own sense of self-worth, so when they turn their attention to you their attention feels authentic and unforced by a hidden agenda.
(note that this doesn't apply to all charismatic people... Robin Williams was wildly charismatic but calm certainly wouldn't be the phrase in anyone's mind when they remember him!)
I have a history of dating people with false charisma, unfortunately. They tend to appear very cheerful and talkative and profess to be in love with everyone and then I find out how cynical, resentful, and shut down they are. I resonated with the description of rigid... they are surprisingly rigid and demanding in such a way that doesn't put any demand on themselves to mature, grow, embrace agency. I resonate strongly with feeling like they are hungry ghosts. They don't let anyone or anything in.
I've been hurt a lot and am scared all the time, but I'm present with my fear, and I still let people in slowly and with intention.
I usually pick up the false charisma/"i need you to make me feel better" energy but have work to do around trusting my intuition/trusting what I'm noticing, and so I have let these people stay longer in my life than they ought to have.
this essay is so gorgeous, i hardly have any words to describe or add to it! thank you for writing this. it makes me want to write more, better, and has mirrored back to me some reflections on presence & charisma i am excited to notice and embody more of in my life. wow!
Wow thanks so much Isabel! I’m glad it matched your own impressions and I look forward to seeing any writing you do around this topic. I think you’re super charismatic already but I guess we’re about to see a new level unleash 🤭
<3 wow, thank you so much. i have sent this to a few of my most charismatic friends today and it sparked such lovely conversations and reflections. sending you lots of gratitude and warm holiday love!!!
Beautiful read! I can rethink of an interaction I had this past year which started off well but ended up sour and It mainly happened through me losing the relationship I had with my core which in turn made me repulsive to be around. Humbling but it really exposed certain aspects I still have to work on within myself.
Another insight I got is that when there's no relationship - or a bad one at that-, you'll try to hold onto something that is outside of you - material possessions, relationships, positions etc - to feel a sense of wholeness but in reality it is your core crying out for your attention and further cultivation.
all of thisssss esp that ending “You have to actually like people, be present, and set down whatever stands between you and vibrant, pulsing reality.” ❤️🔥
This is strikingly similar to how classical monotheists in the broadly Platonic tradition (Plotinus, Origen, Maimonides, etc.) describe God. God is considered as perfectly self-sufficient and blessed. And yet, out of goodness, God creates the universe (either eternally and involuntarily, per the Platonists, or temporally and voluntarily, per the biblical theologians).
God needs nothing from creation. And yet somehow this doesn't lead to a conception of God as aloof. Not only is God approachable; those who approach God through theurgy, sacrament, or covenant find themselves divinized.
I don't have any really profound conclusion to draw from this. But I think it's interesting that one popular strand of ancient philosophy conceived of the ultimate principle of reality as non-needy relationship, as enjoyment that flows from intrinsic abundance rather than remedied lack.
yes, i love any conception of Divine Reality that is non-possessive, but is still deeply delighted, affected, generous. <3
Five stories that crossed my mind while reading the article and your comment, Charles:
In C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letter", the demon counselling his nephew says that children are the hardest to tempt because they're the most present.
In relation to that, in "Finite and Eternal Being", Edith Stein writes that the present moment is the only one that truly exists and therefore, is the realest. It's the the only moment that comes closest to touching God (the truest and realest Being) and eternity, and coming back full circle to Uncle Screwtape, that's why children are considered to be closest to God and the hardest to tempt.
My friend's mother met Mother Teresa decades ago, and what struck her the most was the nun's ability to turn away from a busy crowd, grab both her hands, joyfully look her in the eyes and genuinely ask, "how are you?" without any apparent concern or worry about the thousand other things she had going on.
In "Brideshead Revisited", Evenly Waugh very astutely points out that the central mother figure in the story is "holy" but not a "saint", because people enjoy being around saints.
And finally, many squirm at the idea of joining religious organizations because they associate the concept of "God" with demands, but it's the intermediaries who are at fault for that. Jesus admonished the Pharisees for their hypocritical and unrealistic demands, while telling His own followers to come to Him after labouring and toiling because He wanted to give them rest.
This is such an interesting and enlightening post! I adore your use of archetypes here, I would have never thought to intertwine archetypes with this topic. My best friend and I recently had a conversation about why we're both charismatic people while having extremely different personalities. What I've boiled it down to is that inner security you mentioned, it garners respect, congruence, and transparency that people seem to really enjoy. I've noticed the times where I lose my charisma is regarding dating and romance, because I'm extremely insecure about myself in that area of my life. But in the art world and academia, I have confidence that does not exude the heaviness of desperation. It's also genuine curiousness that fuels charismatic people's attentive nature. When I'm in a regulated emotional state, I have no worries, expectations, or need for control. This freedom allows me to be curious. When I'm disregulated and anxious, I lose my capacity for curiousness because I'm searching for something to remedy my discomfort. That is when the "neediness" shines through and corrupts any remnants of my charisma. Thank you so much for this analysis, I now aspire to demand less of people and to stay curious!
I'm glad to hear it resonates. It's surprising how our charisma levels can totally vary in different aspects of our lives like you said. There's no one "charismatic personality" so as long as you're relaxed and genuine you and your friend can both be very charismatic!
Spot on: What I've boiled it down to is that inner security you mentioned, it garners respect, congruence, and transparency that people seem to really enjoy
>>>>"I suspect the key to charisma is to like people."<<<<
If you look back on interactions you've had with charismatic people, feeling "liked" by them is probably the most common attribute of those interactions. For how much we all want to be liked by others-- there is surprisingly scarce advice out there which tells you to "like" others freely and frequently.
If you saw something which reminded you of that person-- tell them! If you've been thinking about something that they said to you-- tell them! If you followed a recommendation of theirs-- tell them! If you read every single post on their blog-- tell them! If you think they have the best taste in clothes-- tell them!
It's like we all adopted this weird defensive posture sometime as children where we hide how much we like and enjoy other people. It's reminds me of that oddly primal fear we have of having a best friend who does not consider you to be their best friend.
Liked... Or SEEN? Feeling like you had 100% of their attention even in a crowded room with a million other distractions going on.
Man this cuts deep. I used to be so charismatic when I was younger because I was innocent, I loved people and everyone fascinated me. Even boring fascinated me by how boring they were!
But I’ve been cut down by grief, I think I’ve been scared to really listen to anybody these days, god forbid I meet someone I actually like and lose them. I’ve been feeling needy and alone even when I’m with company. This is a great blueprint for finding my groove again.
Yeah, the last time I generally, GENUINELY liked people (besides my home church and a few close friends), was decades ago, when I was a preteen
Yeah. I think you boiled it down perfectly, to two points: a genuine desire to interact with people, and a stable core. The later is way more important imo (because everyone, to an extent, wants the former, human as social animals bla blah blah). There is also an element of novelty I think, that underlies the personality of the charismatic person, that gives the extra glow to their auras compared to the masses that blend seamlessly into the background. As if it stands in sharper contrast amidst a mostly blurry background. And actually, I think also, point 3, the abundance mindset, energy flows outwards rather than into these charisma batteries ...
Altho personally, I think it is a little more subtle. I think the charismatic does pull in your energy, aka. your attention, but they reward you for it, above and beyond what you put in.
And the opposite type is what me and my friends call the blackhole: someone that fulfills criteria 1 and 2 but is an bottomless void when it comes to demanding energy from others.
And to add a little more nuance, I think the same person often straddles the line between the two. In physics terms, energy balance needs to be maintained, and the more you capacity you have, the more you demand. So the charismatic and the blackhole are the two opposite ends of this strategy wrt to the social demands they extract along with your attention
It is incredibly frustrating to be stuck at that threshold.
“The most likable, charismatic, enjoyable people to be around are people who demand nothing of you.”
Outcome independence.
I think about it like jigsaw pieces. So many people spend their entire life looking for their "soul mate" - that perfect jigsaw piece that "fits them" and somehow makes them whole or completes their picture.
Not enough people do the work on themselves to make more spaces in their edges to become more compatible with a wider range of pieces (people).
Note that I don't mean this in a self-negating way, trying to "please everyone" and losing yourself in the process, but in a positive, self-affirming way by knowing who you are, where your needs arise from, and which are healthy and which are not, which are essential and which are "nice to have". Some of the most charismatic people I've met radiate a sense of calm self-possession. They know who they are and their own sense of self-worth, so when they turn their attention to you their attention feels authentic and unforced by a hidden agenda.
(note that this doesn't apply to all charismatic people... Robin Williams was wildly charismatic but calm certainly wouldn't be the phrase in anyone's mind when they remember him!)
This is such a good description of charisma. As someone who has worked very hard to improve theirs, I never really thought about it in this way.
I have a history of dating people with false charisma, unfortunately. They tend to appear very cheerful and talkative and profess to be in love with everyone and then I find out how cynical, resentful, and shut down they are. I resonated with the description of rigid... they are surprisingly rigid and demanding in such a way that doesn't put any demand on themselves to mature, grow, embrace agency. I resonate strongly with feeling like they are hungry ghosts. They don't let anyone or anything in.
I've been hurt a lot and am scared all the time, but I'm present with my fear, and I still let people in slowly and with intention.
I usually pick up the false charisma/"i need you to make me feel better" energy but have work to do around trusting my intuition/trusting what I'm noticing, and so I have let these people stay longer in my life than they ought to have.
im stealing this image for my next post, i apologize
this essay is so gorgeous, i hardly have any words to describe or add to it! thank you for writing this. it makes me want to write more, better, and has mirrored back to me some reflections on presence & charisma i am excited to notice and embody more of in my life. wow!
Wow thanks so much Isabel! I’m glad it matched your own impressions and I look forward to seeing any writing you do around this topic. I think you’re super charismatic already but I guess we’re about to see a new level unleash 🤭
<3 wow, thank you so much. i have sent this to a few of my most charismatic friends today and it sparked such lovely conversations and reflections. sending you lots of gratitude and warm holiday love!!!
This is great and insightful. Thanks for articulating
Really enjoyed this and agree with every word!
Beautiful read! I can rethink of an interaction I had this past year which started off well but ended up sour and It mainly happened through me losing the relationship I had with my core which in turn made me repulsive to be around. Humbling but it really exposed certain aspects I still have to work on within myself.
Another insight I got is that when there's no relationship - or a bad one at that-, you'll try to hold onto something that is outside of you - material possessions, relationships, positions etc - to feel a sense of wholeness but in reality it is your core crying out for your attention and further cultivation.
Good points 👌. Can i translate part of this article into Spanish with links to you and a description of your newsletter?
Sure, go ahead! Would love a link when you do. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Carmen. The translation of your article is here (with links, and a description of your newsletter at the end), feel free to change anything:
https://estilo.substack.com/p/personas-que-no-te-exigen-nada-o
A link or restack will be wonderful, thanks.
all of thisssss esp that ending “You have to actually like people, be present, and set down whatever stands between you and vibrant, pulsing reality.” ❤️🔥