Such a great post. You have a gift with words and very clear thinking. While I have had many insights (and workings-through) on this topic, you still helped settle a little vague part in me with this post. 💜
(fwiw, the part about that “you couldn’t even be able to experience the win condition,” which, in my experience, created this _unknown_ unknown)
"They kept me so busy I forgot I was operating within the frame of needing to prove I deserved to be there." this was so me as well in my early 20s. I would have taken extra curricular courses in my dreams if available
These dynamics can shape a life in so many ways. And it can be hard to disentangle them from true motivation. That's a further topic I would love to read your thoughts on, if any come to mind.
So true. There's a subtle distinction between motivation that comes from insecurity / the desire to maintain a self-image, and motivation that's enthusiatic/instrinsic/free/spacious. The first one feels fragile and weirdly unsatisfying even when I "win." The second one makes me come back to something over and over even when I don't have to, just because I enjoy it, and it often makes my experience feel more expansive and full of possibility. And more connected with beauty, other people, and the world.
I thought about addressing that here but decided to keep it short. Might write about it more in the future, thank you!
you can leave the discernment (bad at cooking) and swap out the fuel (yummy food makes me happy) to get wholesome action (spend time improving cooking to match skill to taste / desire)
you can also use it to see other people:
- taste + superiority = snobby critic
- taste + kindness = mentor
part of what is really helpful in surrounding yourself with people you admire *and* are psychologically healthy is that you can see how they have what you want (the quality that your judgement is gauging) while having better cleaner motivation / fuel. can begin to subconsciously mirror in an embodied way
Yes! The evaluative part itself is not bad (having an accurate assessment of your skill level is an essential step in getting better at something) but the way you relate to it / your intention will lead to different results and downstream effects on your psyche.
I like the application to other people. Separating taste from attitude has helped me see people more clearly and choose healthier people to be around
The loop you're describing (where avoiding the insecurity closes you off from the information that could dissolve it) is precise in a way that most writing on this topic isn't.
What I'd add is that the strategies of avoidance often don't look like avoidance at all. They look like self-knowledge. The person who has built an elaborate, confident story about who they are and what they're capable of isn't obviously running from anything. The narrative itself becomes the cover.
It's only when something forces a revision that the structure underneath it becomes visible––and by then you've been living inside the proof for so long it feels like the floor.
One of the more difficult aspects of insecurity is that it frequently survives external success because its roots are psychological rather than purely material.
Read this two days ago and came back to re-read today.
This was the banger line for me: "You have to also believe that this somehow makes you less deserving of love."
This illuminated a lot of stuff for me. Thank you.
Such a great post. You have a gift with words and very clear thinking. While I have had many insights (and workings-through) on this topic, you still helped settle a little vague part in me with this post. 💜
(fwiw, the part about that “you couldn’t even be able to experience the win condition,” which, in my experience, created this _unknown_ unknown)
Needed this one today
Concise and impactful - very well written. Part that sticks with me is self-love as an antidote to insecurity.
Feels as if we don’t place nearly as much emphasis on developing a regular practice of self love as we should.
"They kept me so busy I forgot I was operating within the frame of needing to prove I deserved to be there." this was so me as well in my early 20s. I would have taken extra curricular courses in my dreams if available
These dynamics can shape a life in so many ways. And it can be hard to disentangle them from true motivation. That's a further topic I would love to read your thoughts on, if any come to mind.
So true. There's a subtle distinction between motivation that comes from insecurity / the desire to maintain a self-image, and motivation that's enthusiatic/instrinsic/free/spacious. The first one feels fragile and weirdly unsatisfying even when I "win." The second one makes me come back to something over and over even when I don't have to, just because I enjoy it, and it often makes my experience feel more expansive and full of possibility. And more connected with beauty, other people, and the world.
I thought about addressing that here but decided to keep it short. Might write about it more in the future, thank you!
banger. to riff on it:
discernment + fuel drives action
you can leave the discernment (bad at cooking) and swap out the fuel (yummy food makes me happy) to get wholesome action (spend time improving cooking to match skill to taste / desire)
you can also use it to see other people:
- taste + superiority = snobby critic
- taste + kindness = mentor
part of what is really helpful in surrounding yourself with people you admire *and* are psychologically healthy is that you can see how they have what you want (the quality that your judgement is gauging) while having better cleaner motivation / fuel. can begin to subconsciously mirror in an embodied way
Yes! The evaluative part itself is not bad (having an accurate assessment of your skill level is an essential step in getting better at something) but the way you relate to it / your intention will lead to different results and downstream effects on your psyche.
I like the application to other people. Separating taste from attitude has helped me see people more clearly and choose healthier people to be around
Like all my favorite writing, this illuminated some small but satisfying region of reality for me.
The grafting of "...thus I'm less loveable" onto a perceived defect is the trick here.
Thank you :)
Currently trying to unlearn the idea that achievement is a vehicle to happiness… this was so well written, thank you!
The loop you're describing (where avoiding the insecurity closes you off from the information that could dissolve it) is precise in a way that most writing on this topic isn't.
What I'd add is that the strategies of avoidance often don't look like avoidance at all. They look like self-knowledge. The person who has built an elaborate, confident story about who they are and what they're capable of isn't obviously running from anything. The narrative itself becomes the cover.
It's only when something forces a revision that the structure underneath it becomes visible––and by then you've been living inside the proof for so long it feels like the floor.
One of the more difficult aspects of insecurity is that it frequently survives external success because its roots are psychological rather than purely material.