Interesting! Thanks for sharing. I got so interested that I wanted to ask some questions. I'll add them below here, feel free to answer or not answer any or some of them
1. Daydreaming: Do you still daydream (outside meditation)? Like do you get caught up with a thought and then realize it afterwards? How is it compared to what it was before?
2. Insight: For example I assume at least previously on occasion you perhaps had an idea of what to write in a blog post (or to your journal) while you were at a place where you can't start writing, for example during a walk outside. How would you act on that before and is it different now? Like if it was something you thought was important, would you start planning and organizing the idea in your head during your walk shifting the focus from e.g. admiring the trees to this "insight" work (if you were conscious about it) or end up "daydreaming" (if it was happening without you particularly noticing it at all)?
3. Meditation now: Does meditation feel different now? I assume you reach deeper states more easily now. Have you changed your routine now?
4. The moment when the shift occured at the last sit in that retreat. Can you elaborate on that particular sit. You have a decent amount of experience it seems, so I guess you did not have much monkey mind on that particular sit? I guess prior the shift, you had been in the "emptiness" for a while, or how would you describe the sit if you still remember it?
5. How about how were you before the shift happened. How was the day before the shift, how about the shift-day's morning and the day until the final meditation. Everything went like before and you felt not happier or being in the "flow" or anything? Anything special?
6. Grief: Does the number in "90% of suffering is gone" come from the grieving of the old you? When you are grieving the old you, does it mean there is still an ego left in you, but it's just much weaker, or is this grievance something different?
7. I'm also curious if you had taken psychedelics near the time the shift happened or if it's a long time since you last had any. Also would you consider taking psychedelics after the shift?
Wow so many questions! Thank you for reading and engaging so deeply with it. It would take me much longer to give full responses for all of them but I tried my best:
1. This question doesn't really compute for me because I am not sure if we are referring to the same thing when we say daydreaming. I am often deeply lost in thought and emotion, but I don't know if that's daydreaming vs fantasizing about stuff or coming up with imaginary worlds (the more dissociative kind). I am in general much more in the present, so if I had to answer I'd say I do it less, but that answer feels unsatisfactory. Everything feels dreamy and nice. I don't do the dissociative kind because it feels there is nothing to escape from and nowhere to escape to.
2. I don't think my process has changed much, but it all feels easier now. I carry my journal almost everywhere with me. If I don't have it, I'll jot it down on my Notes app. If there's a particular wording I have to write down, I will do it in one of those, but I'm also not stressed at all if I can't. All the things I write essays about come back to me repeatedly over the course of weeks, months, even years. It's like I can't be rid of *them* and the particular feeling or thought keeps getting refined like a gem. I guess I come up with the ideas in my idle mind state (maybe what you call daydreaming) and then write my pieces in a single sitting, and if I can't do that, then several sittings very close together, so the execution feels effortless.
3. When I first had the shift, sitting did nothing. It still does less than it used to, but there are clear benefits (even a 90% reduction in suffering means there is 10% left, lots of leftover increasingly subtle conditioning and emotional knots and regular practice irons them out). Deeper states are easier, can drop into formless jhanas immediately. Still settling into a new daily routine.
4. Not sure how familiar with the jhanas you are, but there is no content (thoughts) in 8th jhana. It's the closest to cessation you can get, it's rather dreamy/hypnagogic and perception is gently fading in and out. So unfortunately I don't have any recollection around how exactly the shift occurred!
5. Nothing stood out to me except for a breathwork session I did a few days before that during the same retreat which helps me process some specific remnants of latent trauma. I think that cleared/relaxed my system enough to make room for this change. Other than that, just the cumulative effects of being in a retreat container (baseline very calm/happy) helped.
6. The 90% thing is referring to: I used to feel subtle amounts of pain just going through life and encountering everything, usually in the form of unpleasant emotions or tension. I no longer feel that pain in my body. I still feel emotions (like grief) but they feel more decentralized. They don't have to pass through and be managed by a CEO in my head, so they aren't suppressed as easily. In terms of who's doing the grieving, I have no idea. I don't know who's doing any of this.
7. Haven't done psychedelics in years but there was a period 4 years ago when I was really into them. As my meditation practice advanced, I got more sensitive to all foods and drugs. I can't drink anymore, and definitely can't do normal doses of psychedelics. I don't plan on taking psychedelics in the future; don't feel like there's much to get out of them anymore.
5 and 7 are things I'd like to eventually write dedicated posts about, but no idea when they'll emerge. Hopefully soon!
You captured so perfectly the liberating existential grief I am feeling as I reinvent myself after the end of a ten year relationship. Thank you for the reminder to “focus on all the ways you’re bracing against experience and subtly relax into it.” This identity without a “central node of experience” reminds me of both the pain & possibility of diasporic identity which by its very nature is diffuse — belonging everywhere and nowhere — depending on how you frame it.
I recently experienced something similar although less drastic, i think, on a vipassana meditation retreat in India and am still trying to put the experience into words. I am currently writing an article about it and would love to send it to you to exchange experiences/I would love it if you would read it!
I had not been able to process the feeling until I read your article and realised - thats exactly it. I feel that you have put your finger straight into my brain, and pulled out the thread, the discrepancy that is happening between my states of humanly existence. Thank you and thank you for articulating it and writing such a powerful piece about it. I would love to share the changes that have taken place in my life with you, to have a conversation about it, because it is singularly the biggest and craziest shift I have ever felt. I feel I am on a spiritual cusp; and whilst it is an incredible, life changing feeling I am apprehensive about how the next deepening of my meditation could affect my consciousness. can I still honour my passions? What happens if I no longer want to write books? does it even matter if I do not care? how to live in the material world as a spiritual girl! etc. anyway. I will have lots more questions and thoughts as I write it out. but thank you for sharing this; I have started this substack to, as you say - live bare. to live honestly and freely to match my inner state. to share my inner world with the world. phyllis
Thanks Phyllis! Glad you could relate to my experience. I don't have the bandwidth for calls but I look forward to seeing your post about your retreat when it's out. As for all the uncertainty and questions you have about what to make of these meditative states, I would just avoid making any big life decisions right after a retreat. Try a bunch of new things and see if you like the changes (if you do, keep them) and stay connected to loved ones who can keep you grounded. Assume you don't know what the best life for you looks like exactly but be open to finding out. Best wishes!
I have a lot of thoughts about this piece, thoughts that I have yet to work out, but I really enjoyed what you've shared here. For now I'll just, I continue to value what you are about to put so interestingly into your own words. 😊😊😊
I've been having to let go of things that I'll attempt to describe as "personality complexes." I had a wordless, foundational trauma like set underneath everything else about me... and it's been hard to navigate recovering. This had moments that really resonated with things i've experienced. It's been isolating, so ty for sharing! I feel more normal, in a good way (ik normal can be a loaded word.) Sending kindness to anyone reading this.
Wow, Carmen. Thank you so much for writing this & putting such a rare & illuminating essence onto the page. This was beautiful and chock-full of wonder, possibility, & a finely tuned clarity.
I love how you describe such an approach to experiencing reality- not trying to overbake the cake with needless cares, self gripes, or baggage, but just bringing what you need to find both stillness and a place in the current of whatever that thing called consciousness is.
There's so much to explore here, so I'll just thank you again for sharing such an interesting thought provoking personal canon.
Thank you for reading and letting the words in so deeply. I try to speak from direct experience as much as I can without jargon or loaded concepts, and I'm glad you noticed by calling it "not overbaking the cake"!
This post was so fascinating and moving and I’m doing my best not to ask a million questions. Thank you for writing it (and congratulations - and sorry).
As someone who is very much still caught up in the neurotic web of their own selfhood, I’ve always looked at the path of awakening with a kind of mixture of longing and trepidation. Some piece of me knows that the suffering and self-obsession that I’m constantly tangled up in is just a fiction, a totally unnecessary and counterproductive game that I’m playing with myself. I would be better without it, that seems clear to me.
But then… well, it’s scary. Mainly because, as you say, it’s like dying. As much as I hate myself, I’m all I have. Part of me thinks it’s insane to irrevocably kick the legs out from under myself in a way that will necessarily alter the things I care about. I care so much about making art, and making an impact on the world, but I suspect so much of the motivation for that is tied up in self-image and status games. You describe a lack of urgency to life. This sounds both pleasant and terrible: I can imagine myself ‘giving up’, letting things go that I previously swore were core to my values and identity. And I can’t help but think: is luminous equanimity worth that price? Everyone who makes it to the other side seems to say yes. But it still freaks me out a bit.
In that same vein, I’m scared that my neuroticism and selfhood are the only things making me both slightly cool and mostly moral. I worry about not having that voice in my head fixating on other people’s opinions about my all-important Self - I just don’t know how I’d act. You hear stories about enlightened people behaving in callous or unethical or cringey ways that really alienate other people. This might sound ridiculous, like Christians who say “if there’s no God, what’s to stop me from murdering people?” And yeah, I don’t mean it to that degree. But it’s the not knowing that unnerves me.
All that said, I feel the pull, like a kind of gentle gravity calling me to wake up, to drop the act. And I don’t think I can avoid it forever. But it’s weird knowing in advance that you might be letting yourself die.
Thanks again, such a wonderful and vulnerable piece of writing.
Thank you for reading and sharing your own fears around losing your sense of self. It can be hard to believe that things are better coming out the other end until you've experienced it! I think all the desires you have (e.g. making art, having an impact, being good to people) can still be preserved after the fact, but acted upon in ways with less clinging which actually makes them easier and enjoyable to do. And on the point of unethical behavior, you can avoid this pitfall with the right feedback mechanisms. Without healthy feedback though (e.g. if there's a power dynamic and people around you are afraid to tell you what they really think) you're kinda screwed. In general I find I treat people better now because of increased compassion and loss of desire to protect self-image.
Thanks, this is actually very reassuring. You also mentioned that your friends don’t notice much of a difference (or a mildly positive one if anything) so that’s also another point in favour of awakening not being too radically ‘self-destructive’. Good reminder to focus on relationships that ground you, and to double down on metta!
Thanks for sharing. I actually really enjoyed reading it without any context on the specific practices that led to it, although I definitely underestimated how much they would be so I think it was good that I eventually read that part too.
I like the LaCroix metaphor. There's something real to grieve even if the net experience of the shift is so overwhelmingly positive.
Thanks Malcolm! Yeah, part of why the experience was so significant was because it was the biggest shift I've had after doing so much personal development work. Although you could argue I started from a pretty low baseline; I'm sure there are others for whom it took less effort and time.
This was very thrilling to read! You have a gift for describing things that are non-material in nature, something that I struggle with. I know what I feel, and I have quite a good emotional memory. However, it's difficult for me to describe it in words. Yet, reading something like your post gives me a little bit of an idea of how I would shape my own experience in words. I think I can understand how you feel, because, similar to you, I've experienced many ego-deaths in my life, too. If you don't mind sharing, do you feel this sense of lightness to the point that it is hard for you to ground yourself? By lightness, I mean it in the metaphorical sense as well as the real physical lightness of your body.
It was certainly hard to put into words! I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it helps you write about your experiences too. The more difficult it is to articulate and share something, the more there is a need for it. So I encourage you to do it.
We might be referring to different things when we refer to "grounding" – I think of it as feeling rooted to the ground, embodied, in touch with how the body feels and what it wants/needs. In that sense, it was pretty hard at first because 1) it felt like there was literally no ground and like I was at risk of floating away and 2) feeling super good by default allows me to more easily ignore things like hunger or feeling cold from the wind. Luckily as more time passes, I am getting back to normal in terms of biorhythms (eating patterns and such). I'm learning new ways to pick up on and decipher signals from my body, much more bottom-up instead of looking at the clock and thinking "oh it's almost dinner time."
Thank you for your thoughtful response and clarification on the notion of "grounding." That's my problem: mostly having just surface and/or superficial knowledge about things. I'm so glad to have encountered people like you, to actually expand my knowledge and make me reassess many things I think I "know"!
Again, you provided me with beautiful analysis. I can relate to the feeling of embodiment, or lack of (in my case). It's still difficult for me to "read" my body signals. I'm definitely still so out of touch with what my body needs, because I'm so in my head.
Thanks for telling us about your experience. I'm just getting started with some of this stuff, but have never had any profound spiritual/mystical experiences even though I grew up in a very religious household.
Hey Carmen! Thanks for such a fine account of this experience. Hope you continue to do OK in its unfolding perplexities – it sounds like you will. What you wrote reminded me of this little book: https://www.as-is-press.com/notes-on-nothing
Thank you! I was lucky to stumble upon a friendly corner of Twitter a few years ago where people talked opened about psychedelics, emotional/trauma work, and meditation. Most of my community is through there. But depending on where you're physically located, there may be meditation centers and gathering places for you to sit with and meet other practitioners. In the Bay, I recommend The Alembic (in Berkeley), SF Dharma Collective, or SF Zen Center.
Ah yeah been a tpot lurker for a few years, beautiful place! Have failed to learn reply game I suppose...haha
I'm located in boston part of the year, vietnam the other. haven't loved the sanghas I've tried so far - lot of people's law school stress carried into the room...
honestly that is one thing I envy SF for the most - the density of ppl you can find working with this stuff
Well thanks for writing and happy you've aligned with Being, I felt this way for a week or so after a shamanic mushroom retreat and it touched me to read this 🙏
One of the most profound essays I’ve read in a long time. Congratulations on entering the new era. And thanks for describing the process that lead you to it. Twenty years of Buddhist practice and I still feel like I haven’t unlocked big next levels like this.
I’m so fascinated by this. I meditate as well but now I’m thinking I haven’t even done it once. I want to sit and hear everything, this is so cool and beautiful.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing. I got so interested that I wanted to ask some questions. I'll add them below here, feel free to answer or not answer any or some of them
1. Daydreaming: Do you still daydream (outside meditation)? Like do you get caught up with a thought and then realize it afterwards? How is it compared to what it was before?
2. Insight: For example I assume at least previously on occasion you perhaps had an idea of what to write in a blog post (or to your journal) while you were at a place where you can't start writing, for example during a walk outside. How would you act on that before and is it different now? Like if it was something you thought was important, would you start planning and organizing the idea in your head during your walk shifting the focus from e.g. admiring the trees to this "insight" work (if you were conscious about it) or end up "daydreaming" (if it was happening without you particularly noticing it at all)?
3. Meditation now: Does meditation feel different now? I assume you reach deeper states more easily now. Have you changed your routine now?
4. The moment when the shift occured at the last sit in that retreat. Can you elaborate on that particular sit. You have a decent amount of experience it seems, so I guess you did not have much monkey mind on that particular sit? I guess prior the shift, you had been in the "emptiness" for a while, or how would you describe the sit if you still remember it?
5. How about how were you before the shift happened. How was the day before the shift, how about the shift-day's morning and the day until the final meditation. Everything went like before and you felt not happier or being in the "flow" or anything? Anything special?
6. Grief: Does the number in "90% of suffering is gone" come from the grieving of the old you? When you are grieving the old you, does it mean there is still an ego left in you, but it's just much weaker, or is this grievance something different?
7. I'm also curious if you had taken psychedelics near the time the shift happened or if it's a long time since you last had any. Also would you consider taking psychedelics after the shift?
Wow so many questions! Thank you for reading and engaging so deeply with it. It would take me much longer to give full responses for all of them but I tried my best:
1. This question doesn't really compute for me because I am not sure if we are referring to the same thing when we say daydreaming. I am often deeply lost in thought and emotion, but I don't know if that's daydreaming vs fantasizing about stuff or coming up with imaginary worlds (the more dissociative kind). I am in general much more in the present, so if I had to answer I'd say I do it less, but that answer feels unsatisfactory. Everything feels dreamy and nice. I don't do the dissociative kind because it feels there is nothing to escape from and nowhere to escape to.
2. I don't think my process has changed much, but it all feels easier now. I carry my journal almost everywhere with me. If I don't have it, I'll jot it down on my Notes app. If there's a particular wording I have to write down, I will do it in one of those, but I'm also not stressed at all if I can't. All the things I write essays about come back to me repeatedly over the course of weeks, months, even years. It's like I can't be rid of *them* and the particular feeling or thought keeps getting refined like a gem. I guess I come up with the ideas in my idle mind state (maybe what you call daydreaming) and then write my pieces in a single sitting, and if I can't do that, then several sittings very close together, so the execution feels effortless.
3. When I first had the shift, sitting did nothing. It still does less than it used to, but there are clear benefits (even a 90% reduction in suffering means there is 10% left, lots of leftover increasingly subtle conditioning and emotional knots and regular practice irons them out). Deeper states are easier, can drop into formless jhanas immediately. Still settling into a new daily routine.
4. Not sure how familiar with the jhanas you are, but there is no content (thoughts) in 8th jhana. It's the closest to cessation you can get, it's rather dreamy/hypnagogic and perception is gently fading in and out. So unfortunately I don't have any recollection around how exactly the shift occurred!
5. Nothing stood out to me except for a breathwork session I did a few days before that during the same retreat which helps me process some specific remnants of latent trauma. I think that cleared/relaxed my system enough to make room for this change. Other than that, just the cumulative effects of being in a retreat container (baseline very calm/happy) helped.
6. The 90% thing is referring to: I used to feel subtle amounts of pain just going through life and encountering everything, usually in the form of unpleasant emotions or tension. I no longer feel that pain in my body. I still feel emotions (like grief) but they feel more decentralized. They don't have to pass through and be managed by a CEO in my head, so they aren't suppressed as easily. In terms of who's doing the grieving, I have no idea. I don't know who's doing any of this.
7. Haven't done psychedelics in years but there was a period 4 years ago when I was really into them. As my meditation practice advanced, I got more sensitive to all foods and drugs. I can't drink anymore, and definitely can't do normal doses of psychedelics. I don't plan on taking psychedelics in the future; don't feel like there's much to get out of them anymore.
5 and 7 are things I'd like to eventually write dedicated posts about, but no idea when they'll emerge. Hopefully soon!
Thanks!
You captured so perfectly the liberating existential grief I am feeling as I reinvent myself after the end of a ten year relationship. Thank you for the reminder to “focus on all the ways you’re bracing against experience and subtly relax into it.” This identity without a “central node of experience” reminds me of both the pain & possibility of diasporic identity which by its very nature is diffuse — belonging everywhere and nowhere — depending on how you frame it.
I recently experienced something similar although less drastic, i think, on a vipassana meditation retreat in India and am still trying to put the experience into words. I am currently writing an article about it and would love to send it to you to exchange experiences/I would love it if you would read it!
I had not been able to process the feeling until I read your article and realised - thats exactly it. I feel that you have put your finger straight into my brain, and pulled out the thread, the discrepancy that is happening between my states of humanly existence. Thank you and thank you for articulating it and writing such a powerful piece about it. I would love to share the changes that have taken place in my life with you, to have a conversation about it, because it is singularly the biggest and craziest shift I have ever felt. I feel I am on a spiritual cusp; and whilst it is an incredible, life changing feeling I am apprehensive about how the next deepening of my meditation could affect my consciousness. can I still honour my passions? What happens if I no longer want to write books? does it even matter if I do not care? how to live in the material world as a spiritual girl! etc. anyway. I will have lots more questions and thoughts as I write it out. but thank you for sharing this; I have started this substack to, as you say - live bare. to live honestly and freely to match my inner state. to share my inner world with the world. phyllis
Thanks Phyllis! Glad you could relate to my experience. I don't have the bandwidth for calls but I look forward to seeing your post about your retreat when it's out. As for all the uncertainty and questions you have about what to make of these meditative states, I would just avoid making any big life decisions right after a retreat. Try a bunch of new things and see if you like the changes (if you do, keep them) and stay connected to loved ones who can keep you grounded. Assume you don't know what the best life for you looks like exactly but be open to finding out. Best wishes!
I have a lot of thoughts about this piece, thoughts that I have yet to work out, but I really enjoyed what you've shared here. For now I'll just, I continue to value what you are about to put so interestingly into your own words. 😊😊😊
I've been having to let go of things that I'll attempt to describe as "personality complexes." I had a wordless, foundational trauma like set underneath everything else about me... and it's been hard to navigate recovering. This had moments that really resonated with things i've experienced. It's been isolating, so ty for sharing! I feel more normal, in a good way (ik normal can be a loaded word.) Sending kindness to anyone reading this.
Wow, Carmen. Thank you so much for writing this & putting such a rare & illuminating essence onto the page. This was beautiful and chock-full of wonder, possibility, & a finely tuned clarity.
I love how you describe such an approach to experiencing reality- not trying to overbake the cake with needless cares, self gripes, or baggage, but just bringing what you need to find both stillness and a place in the current of whatever that thing called consciousness is.
There's so much to explore here, so I'll just thank you again for sharing such an interesting thought provoking personal canon.
Thank you for reading and letting the words in so deeply. I try to speak from direct experience as much as I can without jargon or loaded concepts, and I'm glad you noticed by calling it "not overbaking the cake"!
Thanks for your beautiful and inspiring share. I recently came across this book https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262547109/the-elephant-and-the-blind/ and it looks like your experience also belongs there.
This post was so fascinating and moving and I’m doing my best not to ask a million questions. Thank you for writing it (and congratulations - and sorry).
As someone who is very much still caught up in the neurotic web of their own selfhood, I’ve always looked at the path of awakening with a kind of mixture of longing and trepidation. Some piece of me knows that the suffering and self-obsession that I’m constantly tangled up in is just a fiction, a totally unnecessary and counterproductive game that I’m playing with myself. I would be better without it, that seems clear to me.
But then… well, it’s scary. Mainly because, as you say, it’s like dying. As much as I hate myself, I’m all I have. Part of me thinks it’s insane to irrevocably kick the legs out from under myself in a way that will necessarily alter the things I care about. I care so much about making art, and making an impact on the world, but I suspect so much of the motivation for that is tied up in self-image and status games. You describe a lack of urgency to life. This sounds both pleasant and terrible: I can imagine myself ‘giving up’, letting things go that I previously swore were core to my values and identity. And I can’t help but think: is luminous equanimity worth that price? Everyone who makes it to the other side seems to say yes. But it still freaks me out a bit.
In that same vein, I’m scared that my neuroticism and selfhood are the only things making me both slightly cool and mostly moral. I worry about not having that voice in my head fixating on other people’s opinions about my all-important Self - I just don’t know how I’d act. You hear stories about enlightened people behaving in callous or unethical or cringey ways that really alienate other people. This might sound ridiculous, like Christians who say “if there’s no God, what’s to stop me from murdering people?” And yeah, I don’t mean it to that degree. But it’s the not knowing that unnerves me.
All that said, I feel the pull, like a kind of gentle gravity calling me to wake up, to drop the act. And I don’t think I can avoid it forever. But it’s weird knowing in advance that you might be letting yourself die.
Thanks again, such a wonderful and vulnerable piece of writing.
Thank you for reading and sharing your own fears around losing your sense of self. It can be hard to believe that things are better coming out the other end until you've experienced it! I think all the desires you have (e.g. making art, having an impact, being good to people) can still be preserved after the fact, but acted upon in ways with less clinging which actually makes them easier and enjoyable to do. And on the point of unethical behavior, you can avoid this pitfall with the right feedback mechanisms. Without healthy feedback though (e.g. if there's a power dynamic and people around you are afraid to tell you what they really think) you're kinda screwed. In general I find I treat people better now because of increased compassion and loss of desire to protect self-image.
Thanks, this is actually very reassuring. You also mentioned that your friends don’t notice much of a difference (or a mildly positive one if anything) so that’s also another point in favour of awakening not being too radically ‘self-destructive’. Good reminder to focus on relationships that ground you, and to double down on metta!
> In that same vein, I’m scared that my neuroticism and selfhood are the only things making me both slightly cool and mostly moral.
This! Well-put (and hilarious) summary of my own resistance to letting go
Hahaha it’s the most accurate way to describe the dumb stuff that my brain does 💁♂️ glad someone relates!
Thanks for sharing. I actually really enjoyed reading it without any context on the specific practices that led to it, although I definitely underestimated how much they would be so I think it was good that I eventually read that part too.
I like the LaCroix metaphor. There's something real to grieve even if the net experience of the shift is so overwhelmingly positive.
Thanks Malcolm! Yeah, part of why the experience was so significant was because it was the biggest shift I've had after doing so much personal development work. Although you could argue I started from a pretty low baseline; I'm sure there are others for whom it took less effort and time.
This was very thrilling to read! You have a gift for describing things that are non-material in nature, something that I struggle with. I know what I feel, and I have quite a good emotional memory. However, it's difficult for me to describe it in words. Yet, reading something like your post gives me a little bit of an idea of how I would shape my own experience in words. I think I can understand how you feel, because, similar to you, I've experienced many ego-deaths in my life, too. If you don't mind sharing, do you feel this sense of lightness to the point that it is hard for you to ground yourself? By lightness, I mean it in the metaphorical sense as well as the real physical lightness of your body.
It was certainly hard to put into words! I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it helps you write about your experiences too. The more difficult it is to articulate and share something, the more there is a need for it. So I encourage you to do it.
We might be referring to different things when we refer to "grounding" – I think of it as feeling rooted to the ground, embodied, in touch with how the body feels and what it wants/needs. In that sense, it was pretty hard at first because 1) it felt like there was literally no ground and like I was at risk of floating away and 2) feeling super good by default allows me to more easily ignore things like hunger or feeling cold from the wind. Luckily as more time passes, I am getting back to normal in terms of biorhythms (eating patterns and such). I'm learning new ways to pick up on and decipher signals from my body, much more bottom-up instead of looking at the clock and thinking "oh it's almost dinner time."
Thank you for your thoughtful response and clarification on the notion of "grounding." That's my problem: mostly having just surface and/or superficial knowledge about things. I'm so glad to have encountered people like you, to actually expand my knowledge and make me reassess many things I think I "know"!
Again, you provided me with beautiful analysis. I can relate to the feeling of embodiment, or lack of (in my case). It's still difficult for me to "read" my body signals. I'm definitely still so out of touch with what my body needs, because I'm so in my head.
what a gift, this deep access to emotional sensemaking in the wake of the gateless gate—right as the scaffolding of self falls away.
i can feel the seeds of a post-gate doula dropping into the soil of our shared being
Thanks for telling us about your experience. I'm just getting started with some of this stuff, but have never had any profound spiritual/mystical experiences even though I grew up in a very religious household.
Hey Carmen! Thanks for such a fine account of this experience. Hope you continue to do OK in its unfolding perplexities – it sounds like you will. What you wrote reminded me of this little book: https://www.as-is-press.com/notes-on-nothing
Very cool concept of a book, thanks for sharing!
I could feel the ease coming through the words, happy for you!
Wondering, how did you find that supportive community of practitioners/teachers? Any tips?
Thank you! I was lucky to stumble upon a friendly corner of Twitter a few years ago where people talked opened about psychedelics, emotional/trauma work, and meditation. Most of my community is through there. But depending on where you're physically located, there may be meditation centers and gathering places for you to sit with and meet other practitioners. In the Bay, I recommend The Alembic (in Berkeley), SF Dharma Collective, or SF Zen Center.
Ah yeah been a tpot lurker for a few years, beautiful place! Have failed to learn reply game I suppose...haha
I'm located in boston part of the year, vietnam the other. haven't loved the sanghas I've tried so far - lot of people's law school stress carried into the room...
honestly that is one thing I envy SF for the most - the density of ppl you can find working with this stuff
Well thanks for writing and happy you've aligned with Being, I felt this way for a week or so after a shamanic mushroom retreat and it touched me to read this 🙏
One of the most profound essays I’ve read in a long time. Congratulations on entering the new era. And thanks for describing the process that lead you to it. Twenty years of Buddhist practice and I still feel like I haven’t unlocked big next levels like this.
I’m so fascinated by this. I meditate as well but now I’m thinking I haven’t even done it once. I want to sit and hear everything, this is so cool and beautiful.